seems like there's nothing left for me to stay here.
i wanted to get out of here.
now my chance is here.
January 21, 2009
January 10, 2009
toilet tale
I'm already used to going to the toilet at work. Sometimes I go twice in a day, thinking that I'd save some toilet paper at work. Usually there is no one else in the washroom when I go, since there are only so many men working on the same floor as our office. However, a few times I suspect there were guys from my office that came in while I was unloading. I'd tuck my feet closer to avoid them noticing my shoes.
Yesterday, when I was on the toilet, taking time to wipe myself clean gently, a man came in. I had a feeling it was my boss. The door that opened and closed before he entered the washroom sounded close by. Not as close as the door I leave the office from, but sounded like the main office door.
I panicked a little, taking extra care to pull out the tissues quietly, wiping quickly and got up. I pulled my underwear up quickly, but in the slight panic mood, my underwear waist band slipped. It slapped against my flesh in a loud and embarrassing noise. I got dressed, washed my hands and left in a hurry.
It's a weird feeling to sit beside my boss with my pants down with the slight stench of defecation in the air. I don't know how girls do it, but it's a situation I always try to avoid.
Yesterday, when I was on the toilet, taking time to wipe myself clean gently, a man came in. I had a feeling it was my boss. The door that opened and closed before he entered the washroom sounded close by. Not as close as the door I leave the office from, but sounded like the main office door.
I panicked a little, taking extra care to pull out the tissues quietly, wiping quickly and got up. I pulled my underwear up quickly, but in the slight panic mood, my underwear waist band slipped. It slapped against my flesh in a loud and embarrassing noise. I got dressed, washed my hands and left in a hurry.
It's a weird feeling to sit beside my boss with my pants down with the slight stench of defecation in the air. I don't know how girls do it, but it's a situation I always try to avoid.
January 8, 2009
January 1, 2009
Maha-Mantra
Please chant this Maha-Mantra and your life will be sublime:
Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare
Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare
December 9, 2008
December 7, 2008
adrenaline rush
the moment i realized that it was you
my whole body ached of adrenaline rush
i shivered
i froze
i sent a stupid text message that should never have been sent
now i know, i really have to get over you
my whole body ached of adrenaline rush
i shivered
i froze
i sent a stupid text message that should never have been sent
now i know, i really have to get over you
November 24, 2008
November 22, 2008
November 14, 2008
butt-harassed
It was funny seeing the woman sitting in front of me jerked when the man standing next to him bent down and forced his butt into her arm. The guy must have an insensitive butt, not feeling that he had bumped into the woman quite noticeably. After a few smirks to myself, I closed my eyes and rested for a bit a few more stops before time for me to get off. Then I suddenly jerked and woke up, with a familiarity of witnessing what I just saw a moment ago. I was also attacked by the butt-man. He was forced to move down the aisle while I had my eyes closed and half unconscious. The bus stopped, and people were getting out, so he bent down to move his backpack, and bumped his butt into me noticeably. Then again, again, and again. He's a weird guy, I thought. How can he not feel the sensation of sticking his ass up against someone? Or maybe where ever he's from, it's an act of friendliness to stick your butt into someone without the need to feel embarassed or the need to apologize. I was butt-harassed four times this morning. Hello to you too, where ever you're from, butt-man.
November 12, 2008
該死的
今天上班像往常一樣的無聊。上星期兩位同事被解僱的事件也只給了我幾天的警惕。很快的﹐我又回到了往常半上班半混的狀態。
今天上了facebook﹐看到了你的status有改了。你的手機掉了。電話號碼都沒了。我想﹐我也沒必要再硬著臉皮﹐給你我的電話了吧。
莫名的﹐我們之間又少了一個聯絡方式。
Facebook就等著哪天我想通了﹐可以不後悔的時候也把你也刪了吧。
該死的facebook。
今天上了facebook﹐看到了你的status有改了。你的手機掉了。電話號碼都沒了。我想﹐我也沒必要再硬著臉皮﹐給你我的電話了吧。
莫名的﹐我們之間又少了一個聯絡方式。
Facebook就等著哪天我想通了﹐可以不後悔的時候也把你也刪了吧。
該死的facebook。
November 2, 2008
October 31, 2008
sticky and sweet eh?
section 52
row RR
seat 105, 106
just a bit higher up and i can touch the inflated roof of bc place
i think my mama is cooler than madonna
row RR
seat 105, 106
just a bit higher up and i can touch the inflated roof of bc place
i think my mama is cooler than madonna
October 30, 2008
overpowered
Overpowered
When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
Let Me Know
I don't belong to you
You don't belong to me
So don't hold on too tightly
When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
Let Me Know
I don't belong to you
You don't belong to me
So don't hold on too tightly
October 29, 2008
掏心掏肺
在短短半年內﹐竟然經歷了兩次這輩子最難過的心情。
兩次都以為多少有些把握﹐天真的以為假如能坦白的把最赤裸的感覺表達出來﹐對方就會感受到真心而接受的。
第一次﹐是想挽回一年前開始的戀情 - 在分離了十個月後﹐回到對方身邊的十天﹐才又感覺到愛情的甜蜜。而這短短的十天後則下定決心﹐希望為了這緣分將人生的方向做調整。就這樣的﹐一個月內寫了一封一改又改的情書。貼了滿滿的郵票﹐就把它寄回遙遠的台灣了。
沒訊息。不想相信信件又可能遺失了﹐就像人間蒸發的一樣消失了。但不想信﹐又不得不開始懷疑那封含淚寫出的信﹐就被當作沒這回事似的沒得到期待回應了。
等了兩星期﹐打算不再聯絡了。以後即使有機會可能也不需要見面了。逼不得已的繼續向前看﹐而很巧的遇到了不錯的新對象。
彼此認識了兩三個月了﹐見面時感覺似乎是情侶﹐但是對方似乎不在乎。終於忍不住的﹐又展開面對面的對質。又再次的在最脆弱的時刻﹐把曾經受傷的心打開。
坦然的向對方解釋了似乎好幾個小時﹐換回來的是一陣刺骨的寧靜﹐加上一個模糊的答案。說好只能做朋友﹐也在最後得到了一個長久又似乎真心的緊抱。錯亂的感覺讓我覺得似乎還有希望挽回。
而自從回到做朋友之後﹐也就開始沒主動與他聯絡了。他也似乎不在乎是否有我在他生命中。
一個月過了﹐兩個月過了﹐幾乎完全沒音訊。回想起來﹐當初的甜言蜜語漸漸的越來越像只是讓他對自己舒服的廢話而已。當初的擁抱﹑ 熱吻﹐漸漸的越來越像只是讓他解決孤單的辦法而已。
照片﹑簡訊﹑聊天紀錄全部壓縮收起了﹐及時通默默的刪掉了﹐卻不時的上網看對方有沒有上網站。
開始痛很當初相識﹐想把一切忘掉。但是心中最難過的就是沒辦法忘記那在我心中完美的五官﹐那天真的個性﹐那只讓我想要一直緊緊抱住的你。
你的生日快到了﹐我卻不知所措。不知該不該跟你講聲生日快樂。這似乎是最後無意義地的掙扎﹐想要讓你知道我還惦記著你。還是像朋友講的﹐只是想要試探你是否還在乎我的存在?
兩次都以為多少有些把握﹐天真的以為假如能坦白的把最赤裸的感覺表達出來﹐對方就會感受到真心而接受的。
第一次﹐是想挽回一年前開始的戀情 - 在分離了十個月後﹐回到對方身邊的十天﹐才又感覺到愛情的甜蜜。而這短短的十天後則下定決心﹐希望為了這緣分將人生的方向做調整。就這樣的﹐一個月內寫了一封一改又改的情書。貼了滿滿的郵票﹐就把它寄回遙遠的台灣了。
沒訊息。不想相信信件又可能遺失了﹐就像人間蒸發的一樣消失了。但不想信﹐又不得不開始懷疑那封含淚寫出的信﹐就被當作沒這回事似的沒得到期待回應了。
等了兩星期﹐打算不再聯絡了。以後即使有機會可能也不需要見面了。逼不得已的繼續向前看﹐而很巧的遇到了不錯的新對象。
彼此認識了兩三個月了﹐見面時感覺似乎是情侶﹐但是對方似乎不在乎。終於忍不住的﹐又展開面對面的對質。又再次的在最脆弱的時刻﹐把曾經受傷的心打開。
坦然的向對方解釋了似乎好幾個小時﹐換回來的是一陣刺骨的寧靜﹐加上一個模糊的答案。說好只能做朋友﹐也在最後得到了一個長久又似乎真心的緊抱。錯亂的感覺讓我覺得似乎還有希望挽回。
而自從回到做朋友之後﹐也就開始沒主動與他聯絡了。他也似乎不在乎是否有我在他生命中。
一個月過了﹐兩個月過了﹐幾乎完全沒音訊。回想起來﹐當初的甜言蜜語漸漸的越來越像只是讓他對自己舒服的廢話而已。當初的擁抱﹑ 熱吻﹐漸漸的越來越像只是讓他解決孤單的辦法而已。
照片﹑簡訊﹑聊天紀錄全部壓縮收起了﹐及時通默默的刪掉了﹐卻不時的上網看對方有沒有上網站。
開始痛很當初相識﹐想把一切忘掉。但是心中最難過的就是沒辦法忘記那在我心中完美的五官﹐那天真的個性﹐那只讓我想要一直緊緊抱住的你。
你的生日快到了﹐我卻不知所措。不知該不該跟你講聲生日快樂。這似乎是最後無意義地的掙扎﹐想要讓你知道我還惦記著你。還是像朋友講的﹐只是想要試探你是否還在乎我的存在?
August 4, 2008
weekend
I was nervous but excited thinking about what could happen over the long weekend if I pushed for it. Even though we only had the talk less than a week ago, I still hoped that we could do something together on his days off if he’s available. I started a conversation with him on msn on Friday evening. "Congrats! One last day of your 11 days of work!" Not long after, I was surprised to get a reply this quickly. "Thx!" He just got home, and was in the mood to talk to me, asking me what I was doing, and the conversation rolled on slowly.
Seeing the parade day was near, I asked if he was going to go see it. "I was just gonna ask you the same thing,' he replied. It was a nice surprise, and thoughts of maybe hanging out together that day appeared in my mind. He told me he had Sunday and Monday off but nothing planned still, and didn't want to waste the two days doing nothing. I reassured him that he'll find something to do, knowing that he has a lot of close friends. But I still threw the question at him. "We can hang if you want..." I said. His reply pleasantly shocked me. "Yes, I was thinking maybe just that," he replied. He seemed a little busy now, and knowing that there was another evening before his days off, I said goodnight, and said we'd talk about it the next evening.
I didn't really care if we go see the parade or just hang out at his place. I wondered which day he wanted to hang out, or if it's possible to be with him for both days. I messaged him online again the next evening, asked whether he wanted to check out the parade, go outdoors or just watch a movie at his place. He was busy at the moment, but thoughtful about knowing that I don't want to feel too uncomfortable around too many guys at the parade. We simply come to a time I'd be arriving downtown, and said our goodnights.
The next day I woke up, I was nervous, gagging while I was brushing my teeth and taking my pills. Maybe it was because I was still nervous and didn't know how I should act around him. I quickly left the house, and sent a text message to him, informing him that I was leaving my house, and will call when I arrive downtown. When I got there, I called. He was still sleeping, it didn’t seem to be good news. He asked if I didn’t see his message. "What message?" I asked. He sent me a message at 2am to let me know that he was sick, puking and going to bathroom excessively and he probably couldn’t make it. I was both sad and a little bit ticked off - sad about him sounding so weak, so uncomfortable, and ticked off because he seemed to accuse me for not seeing the message.
I worried. The whole reason for me coming downtown to the parade was because of him. I didn’t care about meeting my other friends, and I didn’t care about seeing the parade. I just know I wanted to spend time with him. I thought I should get some things for him, knowing that he’s weak and it’d be better that someone is there to take care of him. I told him I was going to his place, that I’d get some food and some medicine and bring it to him while asking for his symptoms and wondering how I should handle this situation at the same time. I asked mom and asked D to see what I should bring him, and went shopping for them. I didn’t want to ditch D to go see him, but my heart was not at the parade anyway. I just wanted to leave. I stayed for half an hour while waiting for D’s other friends to show up, until I couldn’t wait anymore and decided to leave. Carrying bottles of liquid walking across west end, I went to Capers to get bread and apples before heading in his apartment.
He answered the doorbell quickly, unlocked the front door and I let myself in. When I went in, I saw the tanned but very weak J lying on the couch. I had tears in my eyes seeing him suffer. He saw me, and was so nice to me that I was frustrated and didn’t know how to react. “You look so cute,” he kept saying, talking about me in my hat and my purple shirt. He grabbed my hands, and held on to it, but I tried to get away pretending I was busy taking out the stuff I bought for him. I knew he was hungry, for having not eaten anything solid for the past half a day. I took out a piece of toast and fed him slowly in small pieces. But with the hot soup, it still didn’t seem to sit well with his stomach, and he was cramping badly. At least he can have Tylenol to stop his pains and fever after eating some food.
After he took the medicine, he went back to sleep. He looked really weak, but as cute and sexy as ever with his overgrown facial hair. For some unknown reason, I seemed to be calm when I was at his place. I didn’t feel as sad as when I was elsewhere. I didn’t feel sad that I won’t be an important part of his life anymore. I took “Prince Caspian” off his bookshelf, and just started reading on the other end of his couch until I felt sleepy and decided to sleep a bit. There were moments I just kept looking at him sleep when I was reading, and sometimes he’d wake up, look at me, and fall right back to sleep. I’ve known him enough that I know it’s very typical of how he sleeps, sometimes even with his eyes half open and rolling around.
Later in the day, he woke up, feeling much better and was able to move around. He started to worry about me not having eaten the whole day. I assured him that I was fine, and already had a piece of bread which I bought for him. He was insisting that we’d go out and eat something, so he went to the shower.
While I waited around for him, I was stupid enough to go look for possibly more misery by snooping around his bedroom, wanting to see if his box of condoms was still there. I just had to know, and was devastated when I found out that the whole box was missing. Last time I really stayed with him I was certain there were at least one or two left, but where are they now? It had been two weeks since we were intimate. Anything could happen during these two weeks, knowing that he’s still very actively making friends online. I wasn’t thinking straight even more, and ended up looking all over his room. I checked his bag, his drawers, even outside the bedroom, and still didn’t find the box lying around. I was so shocked and didn’t know how I should feel. While looking for condoms I saw his vibrator inside a plastic bag behind the lube I left behind last time. I was devastated, even though it probably should not devastate me. I know it’s not a big deal for guys to have kinky things hidden away. But I was just devastated that I was close enough to him to share intimacy with him, but not close enough to have him share this side of himself with me. I also always thought about whether he’d do anything on cam to other people as well. I tend to think he does, since he had the see-through tank top that he had taken a picture of with a cam on his profile. But that doesn’t mean he fools around online. I was just devastated that he was not willing enough to want to open up to me.
I sat back down on the couch, hoping to calm down and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. When he came out, I was pretending to be sleeping. He didn’t really seem to notice much, and continued onto his room to get ready. It took quite a while, and I wondered what happened, so went to check it out. He was still in his underwear, lying face down on his bed. He was tired from taking the hot shower, which was understandable. So I thought he should rest a bit, and waited around until he felt better.
Time went by quickly, and it had been quite a while already. I went to check on him again. He was in his comforters nicely wrapped up and seemed to be sleeping comfortably. I knelt beside him and woke him up when I pinched his face lightly. I told him that we don’t have to go outside to eat if he’s not feeling so well. He was feeling uncomfortable, but didn’t know in which way. I asked if Tylenol would make things better, and he thought maybe it would. Then I went to get the soup and bread ready, but by the time I came back in, he was sleeping again.
I sat on the floor beside him, and gently caressed him. He woke up, looking at me, and held my hand which was still on his bed. He closed his eyes, and went back to rest again. I started feeling sad, missing all the hugs and kisses we used to share, and I started to tear up. I didn’t know how I should act. I want to hold him, but I want it only if he truly feels something for me. But what did his actions really mean to him? Am I still just a close companion he wants to be around? I was frustrated, so I gently jerked my arm away from his hold, and left the room. Moments later, I couldn’t control my craving for his attention, so I went back in and caressed him once more. He woke up again, held me again, and this time pulled me in even closer to him. I was even more confused at this moment, even though this was what I wanted. I started getting sad, thinking about what this all really meant.
“Are you okay?” he asked, sensing something upsetting me. I didn’t reply, but I didn’t want him to see my eyes tearing up. I covered my face, but he kept asking. I finally couldn’t take it, so I turned my back on him. He got his head off his pillow and moved towards me. He wrapped his arms totally around me and rested his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t stop thinking about why he’s acting this way even when he turned me down almost a week ago. I couldn’t face it anymore and I jerked away, and he tried to rest his head on the closer side of my shoulder. Finally, I stood up and broke away from him grabbing onto my hand and stormed out the bedroom asking why he was doing this to me.
I cried under his blue blanket on the couch. Moments later, he came out to check on me still topless but with his pajama on. He was trying to see what happened to me, trying to uncover my face. “You’re so emotional,” he said, sounding as if he thinks I’m a drama queen. I was mentally a mess, and couldn’t remember what went on. “Go back inside, rest,” was probably something I said, gently pushing him away. He was quiet, and just looked at me. “Let’s go out to eat,” he said, but it was just moments ago that he was still feeling dizzy. I told him he’s not feeling well enough to go outside yet, so I asked him to have his bread with his soup instead. Once I calmed down, I went into the bedroom to get the soup and the bread, and sat on the floor and started feeding him slowly once again. After he swallowed a pill, we just sat on the couch, looking awkwardly at each other sometimes, but I tried to avoid looking at him mostly. I cleaned up the soup bowl and the bread crumbs, and sat on the couch beside him. He crawled closer to me, and lied down on my lap once again. Slowly he moved even closer, gotten even more comfortable, and finally just wrapping his arms around my waist while resting his head on my thighs against my belly. He was more energetic now, more playful and acting affectionately. He was still worried about me not eating anything, so when he was finally feeling better, he got up to go get ready to go out.
When he came out of his room all dressed, I was surprised by how good he looks with so little effort as usual. Everything looks good on his slender and tall build. The simple monochromatic colors can’t be better looking on him than anyone else. We decided to walk down Denman to see what to have, and we headed out.
We left the apartment, heading towards Denman, still not knowing what to eat yet. It was a quiet walk, knowing that he’s still not feeling back to normal. I was confused as to what he wants for dinner, although he kept asking me what I wanted to have. He wasn’t decisive at all, as usual, and I felt like I had to step up to make the decision. I kept suggesting Lebanese food, and finally as we reached the end of Denman, we decided to go eat at the one that seemed to be popular and share a plate together. Hidden behind his new Marc Jacobs sunglasses, he thought I couldn’t see where he was looking at. I know he was looking at all the people walking by us, but I did catch him staring at me once. I truly don’t know what he thinks of me when he looks so intensely at me. Was he glad to have me around? Or was he really starting to not like me? We walked to English Bay after we almost finished our plate of sharwama. He was getting tired, so we turned towards his place while we were on the way to Sunset Beach. I didn’t want to just go home and sit around more, so I offered to help him do some grocery with him if he needs to. But he said he doesn’t need to, so we decided to grab a crossword puzzle and headed back.
When we arrived home, he changed into a tank top. I asked if he was heading out later, he said no, but I was still clueless as to why he changed his clothes. I was a bit sleepy and rolled myself into a ball with the blanket again. He seemed to feel much better now, and was playfully holding an apple and said he’s going to prep them. I offered to do that, and got up and cut the apples up. We sat together closely at the couch watching TV while eating the apples. He then asked if I wanted to watch the dvds he bought at the night market. I was disappointed when I heard he went without me. Maybe it really is nothing. He said he went maybe two weeks ago with his friend or friends. Possibly when his friend came in town and they all went together. I decided not to think too much about it. We watched more game shows on tv, and as we were watching, I decided to lie on him and held him this time. But it was getting late, and I was keeping my eyes on the clock, trying to see when I should leave even though I didn’t want to.
When the program we were watching finished, he got excited and wanted to play crossword puzzle. But the time I told myself to get ready to go home has come. “I think I better go home soon though,” I said. As I sat down closer to him from coming back from the kitchen, I saw his face with expressions. He pouted his lips enough for me to realize that he’s disappointed. But disappointed at what? The fact that I’m leaving? The fact that he’ll have no company? Or the fact that he just wanted to play crossword puzzle? Then he broke the silence. “You can stay if you don’t mind staying. I mean, it’s almost eleven already, and by the time you get home it’ll be what…” he said. Of course I totally wished I could stay, and I asked if he was okay with me staying, and if I would intrude on his last day off tomorrow. He reassured me that it was okay to stay, and that he had nothing to do the next day anyway. So I stayed.
We played crossword puzzle afterwards, or supposedly played together. I never played with him face to face together, and I guess now I know that he likes to think quietly on his own rather than getting me involved even though we were technically playing together. Sometimes I skip to the ones I know the answers to, and he’d tell me to do it in order. It wasn’t as fun as I thought would be when we played online together. But at least we tried to play together. As we gradually moved on to watching more tv, I stumbled upon I, Robot and we began watching it together. We moved close together again, and began leaning on one another. I was emotionally calm now, and was just basically squeezing behind him while he was lying on the couch. “You like to squeeze me don’t you?” he said. It felt nice watching movie together in such closeness again. Yet I still felt empty, not knowing if he really enjoyed having me being so clingy or not. As the movie ended, it was after two. I asked for pajama and went to shower. By the time I finished, he was in his pajama as well, and happily told me that he ate one of the granola bars I bought him. I was glad at least he accepted my intention to make him eat them.
I still didn’t know if I were to sleep in the bedroom with him or out here on the couch. As I laid myself on the couch getting comfortable, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “Let’s go sleep now, it’s almost three already.” I was unsure if it’s really okay, but he seemed to just think I’ll be sleeping with him on his bed. So I got up with him, and went in the bedroom. We both stood in the dark, and I was just leaning onto his back. He jumped onto the bed, and I rolled onto my side of the bed where I used to sleep. He smelled my pillow before I put my head on it. Maybe it was good intention of his to make sure it doesn’t smell bad, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he was worried it smelled of other guys, thinking of my suspicions. I didn’t want to think negatively, and was bent on finally trying to kiss him. He lied down facing up, and I crawled towards him, hugged him closely. “I wanna kiss you,” I whispered. He didn’t really react. Then I moved towards his lips, and put my lips on his lips for two seconds. It was pathetic. I was going to kiss him, but it wasn’t a kiss. It was just my lips against his lips. Sensing no reaction, I moved back to my pillow and lied down. He turned to me, looking at me when I opened my eyes and looked at me. “What?” he said. “What?” I replied. It was awkward, I do kind of think he didn’t want to responds to my kiss. But now I wondered if I tried again, would he have responded? I felt his smooth face once again, and turned around to go to sleep.
I woke up early the next day, almost before 7. There was nothing in my mind but him, and I was feeling high because of him lying beside me. I decided to go watch tv, to keep my mind on other things. It didn’t quite work, but I got sleepy again and just went to sleep on the couch. I heard the sound of him walking, and the sound of the toilet flushing. I was still asleep, but I was a bit awake. I sensed him coming, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him standing over me. I half-closed my eyes again while reaching both arms up for him. He came down, but unfortunately my arms closed on his new piercing, and he was in a lot of pain. “I have to go clean it up. I’ll be right back,” he said, as he wiped the blood off his ear. I felt so bad for being so blind that I didn’t know if he was mad. But he came back after cleaning up. I opened my eyes fully this time, reaching for him as he sat down beside me. I grabbed him tightly and made him lie down against me. I whispered my apology into his ears, and he seemed to be fine now. After laying there for a few minutes, he said he was going back to bed and asked if I was coming too. I was comfortable here, so I told him I was staying here. Then he left.
I woke up again, bored and hearing his snoring from his room, I turned on the tv to occupy myself. There wasn’t anything interesting on then, so I turned it off, and went in his room to lie down beside him. I kept leaving and going back to his room, but one last time I went in, he was awake and asked if we should go have breakfast soon. I was sleepy, since I didn’t sleep well or enough. I wanted to enjoy his company while he was awake, so I told him to lie on top of me, and he did. It was getting hot, and he decided to roll back to his side of bed to cool down. My back was facing him when he rolled to face me. He was close to me, putting his hand on my arm. I grabbed it and pulled it towards my heart where I held onto it. Later I let go of his hand, and he was playful and began slapping my butt. It was pleasant, as I was telling him how he’s weak and it didn’t hurt. He continued slapping it until he ended up putting his hand in my pajama. He pinched one cheek, then another, and soon he was feeling my crack. This was more than I wished for. Although I do wish for oral intimacy more, this was totally unexpected from him. I then only rolled on top of him, holding him tight. As he was still being playful, he continued to grab my butt, and eventually pinched my dork. “I’m always so high when I’m around you,” I whispered. He didn’t react much, and soon I rolled off him to calm down beside him. I debated on whether I should just grab his hand and make him feel my crotch. But I was too afraid. He got up to go to the shower, and I went outside to get ready to go out.
Then I got stupid again. I decided to go look around his drawer again to see if I can find his condom in daytime. I saw in his drawer a pair of thong. It was definitely kinky, with shiny silver cloth on the front. I imagined how he would look in these, but I was more caught up in if he used it after I met him, as it was not hidden deep inside the drawer but slightly on the empty side in plain sight. I was again devastated with the possibilities, and went out of the bedroom, lying down on the couch to calm down.
He came out of the shower, and took a while to get dressed. I was hoping he’d make contact with me with me lying sleepily on the couch, but he didn’t really act intimately around me. He was just bugging me to get ready, then just turned on the tv and waited. It was bound to be disappointing, knowing he’d be just sitting there as long as I delay, so I just got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed.
We went down Robson, heading towards Denman again, and as we arrived at De Dutch without me noticing, he stopped. I wondered why, and he pointed out that we’re there already. We went in, sat down, and it was quiet again. When he saw the waiter bringing back the newspaper from a table that just left, he got the idea of doing crossword puzzle. He grabbed the newspaper, took out a pen, and just started playing the puzzle himself. Quickly he got one, and another one. I didn’t feel involved at all, so I tried to read backwards. It was tiring, and I asked if I can see it while pulling the paper towards me. He stopped, looking around but not at the puzzle. “You’re not playing anymore?” I asked. He said I was looking at it, hinting that he’s just going to let me play until it’s his turn. This wasn’t how I wanted. I wanted to play together, discuss together, not trying to solve the puzzle quietly by myself or himself. Apparently I expected too much again, even from playing a simple crossword puzzle game.
After finishing the late breakfast, he paid for me, saying that it’s for all the things I bought for him the day before. I wasn’t happy about him trying to keep track of who owes who a favor, but this wasn’t something worth fighting over. We left the restaurant, and another moment of indecision came. He asked what we should do, where we should head to. I was frustrated, but trying not to show it. I asked what he can do, where we can go around here. I only thought of Stanley Park, as I haven’t been there for such a long time. We walked towards the park. As we walked by the bike rentals, he mentioned maybe we can bike, and I replied maybe we can rollerblade. But seeing the situation was not favoring such activities, we gave up the ideas and kept walking towards the park. We came to another crossroad in deciding whether we should go to Canada Place or Stanley Park. I soon decided that we should still go to Stanley Park, since I work so close to Canada Place. We kept walking, until he felt ill. He felt like he needs to go to the washroom, and I suggested that we just go home. My hope of taking pictures of him all dressed nicely was shattered. Although we rested on the sidewalk beside the fountains nearby, I was in no mood to take out my camera to take pictures. I was stupid, not knowing that this was the last chance of taking a picture of him.
We got back to his place, and he went to the washroom while I rested on the couch. Minutes later he came out, saying he couldn’t do it. I was indifferent. Having experienced so many disappointments already so far, I didn’t really want to care much anymore. I thought about when I should head home, but deep inside, I still didn’t want to leave yet. We watched tv for maybe 3 hours, where at moments he did lie closer to me, but never in contact with me. He played with my hair on my arms a little, but not much else happened. He also offered me some gummy candies, and one time when he was eating one, he took one out and seemed to intend to feed me. It was a bad joke. He moved the gummy close to my mouth, and just stuffed it towards my nostril, then into my ear. I was furious, thinking that this would be the sweetest moment of the whole day, but ended up being the worst thing to happen. I got ahold of the dirty gummy, and was intending to stuff it in his mouth. He didn’t budge at all, until the gummy broke apart and I was disgusted by both the sticky gummy and him. I wanted to revenge, so I rolled him up violently, pushed him into a ball, and just made him stay uncomfortably in that position for quite a while. He didn’t care to fight back, possibly from being tired still. Eventually I got bored, and let go of his legs and let him sit up.
I was so mad still, but I knew this wouldn’t help the situation. I had to once again basically kiss his cold ass with my warm lips just to undo the awkwardness. I wanted to hold him, more ideally wanted him to want me to hold him. But it was pointless waiting for him to act, so I went to grab him by his arm pits, and pulled him in toward me. He didn’t resist, but I didn’t hold him for long since I didn’t feel he cared much. I let go of him, and later just played around with his sole. We watched tv quietly, until the shows were over, and I knew this is the time I should be leaving. I got up, got ready, and quickly said I should be heading home. I didn’t wait for a response from him, knowing he wouldn’t stop me anyway, and just walked down the hall and opened the door to let myself out. He got up, asked me to wait up. I was still inside the apartment when he caught up to me, and gave me a warm hug and thanked me for taking care of him. It was emotional. It felt like the last time I’ll ever see him again. I was sad, but I didn’t want to care. “You take good care of yourself,” I stuttered with a tone of sadness. He said okay, and I backed out the apartment, walked down the hallway not looking back, until I heard his door close. I really didn’t know how to handle my emotions, but it wasn’t as strong to the point where I was so sad I could cry. I just walked out, walked all the way up to Burrard feeling as if I’m walking way from the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt empty, both mentally and emotionally, and just gazed at nowhere as if my soul was taken out of my body.
As I got home and sat down in front of the computer, it really began to hit me. I teared up, finally realizing that everything seemed to have gone wrong, and everything turned to the worst. I’ve been spoiled by him. I had the sweetest of all nectars, and I had it taken away. It was bound to happen, either I force us to remain friends, or he would just let me slowly get his point of not wanting me to feel too much for him eventually. I chose to find out by talking to him, thinking that I did have a good chance of being with him. And yet I was so wrong. I just forced the inevitable to happen quicker, and my sweet nectar was taken away from my own hands, with my own hands.
Seeing the parade day was near, I asked if he was going to go see it. "I was just gonna ask you the same thing,' he replied. It was a nice surprise, and thoughts of maybe hanging out together that day appeared in my mind. He told me he had Sunday and Monday off but nothing planned still, and didn't want to waste the two days doing nothing. I reassured him that he'll find something to do, knowing that he has a lot of close friends. But I still threw the question at him. "We can hang if you want..." I said. His reply pleasantly shocked me. "Yes, I was thinking maybe just that," he replied. He seemed a little busy now, and knowing that there was another evening before his days off, I said goodnight, and said we'd talk about it the next evening.
I didn't really care if we go see the parade or just hang out at his place. I wondered which day he wanted to hang out, or if it's possible to be with him for both days. I messaged him online again the next evening, asked whether he wanted to check out the parade, go outdoors or just watch a movie at his place. He was busy at the moment, but thoughtful about knowing that I don't want to feel too uncomfortable around too many guys at the parade. We simply come to a time I'd be arriving downtown, and said our goodnights.
The next day I woke up, I was nervous, gagging while I was brushing my teeth and taking my pills. Maybe it was because I was still nervous and didn't know how I should act around him. I quickly left the house, and sent a text message to him, informing him that I was leaving my house, and will call when I arrive downtown. When I got there, I called. He was still sleeping, it didn’t seem to be good news. He asked if I didn’t see his message. "What message?" I asked. He sent me a message at 2am to let me know that he was sick, puking and going to bathroom excessively and he probably couldn’t make it. I was both sad and a little bit ticked off - sad about him sounding so weak, so uncomfortable, and ticked off because he seemed to accuse me for not seeing the message.
I worried. The whole reason for me coming downtown to the parade was because of him. I didn’t care about meeting my other friends, and I didn’t care about seeing the parade. I just know I wanted to spend time with him. I thought I should get some things for him, knowing that he’s weak and it’d be better that someone is there to take care of him. I told him I was going to his place, that I’d get some food and some medicine and bring it to him while asking for his symptoms and wondering how I should handle this situation at the same time. I asked mom and asked D to see what I should bring him, and went shopping for them. I didn’t want to ditch D to go see him, but my heart was not at the parade anyway. I just wanted to leave. I stayed for half an hour while waiting for D’s other friends to show up, until I couldn’t wait anymore and decided to leave. Carrying bottles of liquid walking across west end, I went to Capers to get bread and apples before heading in his apartment.
He answered the doorbell quickly, unlocked the front door and I let myself in. When I went in, I saw the tanned but very weak J lying on the couch. I had tears in my eyes seeing him suffer. He saw me, and was so nice to me that I was frustrated and didn’t know how to react. “You look so cute,” he kept saying, talking about me in my hat and my purple shirt. He grabbed my hands, and held on to it, but I tried to get away pretending I was busy taking out the stuff I bought for him. I knew he was hungry, for having not eaten anything solid for the past half a day. I took out a piece of toast and fed him slowly in small pieces. But with the hot soup, it still didn’t seem to sit well with his stomach, and he was cramping badly. At least he can have Tylenol to stop his pains and fever after eating some food.
After he took the medicine, he went back to sleep. He looked really weak, but as cute and sexy as ever with his overgrown facial hair. For some unknown reason, I seemed to be calm when I was at his place. I didn’t feel as sad as when I was elsewhere. I didn’t feel sad that I won’t be an important part of his life anymore. I took “Prince Caspian” off his bookshelf, and just started reading on the other end of his couch until I felt sleepy and decided to sleep a bit. There were moments I just kept looking at him sleep when I was reading, and sometimes he’d wake up, look at me, and fall right back to sleep. I’ve known him enough that I know it’s very typical of how he sleeps, sometimes even with his eyes half open and rolling around.
Later in the day, he woke up, feeling much better and was able to move around. He started to worry about me not having eaten the whole day. I assured him that I was fine, and already had a piece of bread which I bought for him. He was insisting that we’d go out and eat something, so he went to the shower.
While I waited around for him, I was stupid enough to go look for possibly more misery by snooping around his bedroom, wanting to see if his box of condoms was still there. I just had to know, and was devastated when I found out that the whole box was missing. Last time I really stayed with him I was certain there were at least one or two left, but where are they now? It had been two weeks since we were intimate. Anything could happen during these two weeks, knowing that he’s still very actively making friends online. I wasn’t thinking straight even more, and ended up looking all over his room. I checked his bag, his drawers, even outside the bedroom, and still didn’t find the box lying around. I was so shocked and didn’t know how I should feel. While looking for condoms I saw his vibrator inside a plastic bag behind the lube I left behind last time. I was devastated, even though it probably should not devastate me. I know it’s not a big deal for guys to have kinky things hidden away. But I was just devastated that I was close enough to him to share intimacy with him, but not close enough to have him share this side of himself with me. I also always thought about whether he’d do anything on cam to other people as well. I tend to think he does, since he had the see-through tank top that he had taken a picture of with a cam on his profile. But that doesn’t mean he fools around online. I was just devastated that he was not willing enough to want to open up to me.
I sat back down on the couch, hoping to calm down and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. When he came out, I was pretending to be sleeping. He didn’t really seem to notice much, and continued onto his room to get ready. It took quite a while, and I wondered what happened, so went to check it out. He was still in his underwear, lying face down on his bed. He was tired from taking the hot shower, which was understandable. So I thought he should rest a bit, and waited around until he felt better.
Time went by quickly, and it had been quite a while already. I went to check on him again. He was in his comforters nicely wrapped up and seemed to be sleeping comfortably. I knelt beside him and woke him up when I pinched his face lightly. I told him that we don’t have to go outside to eat if he’s not feeling so well. He was feeling uncomfortable, but didn’t know in which way. I asked if Tylenol would make things better, and he thought maybe it would. Then I went to get the soup and bread ready, but by the time I came back in, he was sleeping again.
I sat on the floor beside him, and gently caressed him. He woke up, looking at me, and held my hand which was still on his bed. He closed his eyes, and went back to rest again. I started feeling sad, missing all the hugs and kisses we used to share, and I started to tear up. I didn’t know how I should act. I want to hold him, but I want it only if he truly feels something for me. But what did his actions really mean to him? Am I still just a close companion he wants to be around? I was frustrated, so I gently jerked my arm away from his hold, and left the room. Moments later, I couldn’t control my craving for his attention, so I went back in and caressed him once more. He woke up again, held me again, and this time pulled me in even closer to him. I was even more confused at this moment, even though this was what I wanted. I started getting sad, thinking about what this all really meant.
“Are you okay?” he asked, sensing something upsetting me. I didn’t reply, but I didn’t want him to see my eyes tearing up. I covered my face, but he kept asking. I finally couldn’t take it, so I turned my back on him. He got his head off his pillow and moved towards me. He wrapped his arms totally around me and rested his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t stop thinking about why he’s acting this way even when he turned me down almost a week ago. I couldn’t face it anymore and I jerked away, and he tried to rest his head on the closer side of my shoulder. Finally, I stood up and broke away from him grabbing onto my hand and stormed out the bedroom asking why he was doing this to me.
I cried under his blue blanket on the couch. Moments later, he came out to check on me still topless but with his pajama on. He was trying to see what happened to me, trying to uncover my face. “You’re so emotional,” he said, sounding as if he thinks I’m a drama queen. I was mentally a mess, and couldn’t remember what went on. “Go back inside, rest,” was probably something I said, gently pushing him away. He was quiet, and just looked at me. “Let’s go out to eat,” he said, but it was just moments ago that he was still feeling dizzy. I told him he’s not feeling well enough to go outside yet, so I asked him to have his bread with his soup instead. Once I calmed down, I went into the bedroom to get the soup and the bread, and sat on the floor and started feeding him slowly once again. After he swallowed a pill, we just sat on the couch, looking awkwardly at each other sometimes, but I tried to avoid looking at him mostly. I cleaned up the soup bowl and the bread crumbs, and sat on the couch beside him. He crawled closer to me, and lied down on my lap once again. Slowly he moved even closer, gotten even more comfortable, and finally just wrapping his arms around my waist while resting his head on my thighs against my belly. He was more energetic now, more playful and acting affectionately. He was still worried about me not eating anything, so when he was finally feeling better, he got up to go get ready to go out.
When he came out of his room all dressed, I was surprised by how good he looks with so little effort as usual. Everything looks good on his slender and tall build. The simple monochromatic colors can’t be better looking on him than anyone else. We decided to walk down Denman to see what to have, and we headed out.
We left the apartment, heading towards Denman, still not knowing what to eat yet. It was a quiet walk, knowing that he’s still not feeling back to normal. I was confused as to what he wants for dinner, although he kept asking me what I wanted to have. He wasn’t decisive at all, as usual, and I felt like I had to step up to make the decision. I kept suggesting Lebanese food, and finally as we reached the end of Denman, we decided to go eat at the one that seemed to be popular and share a plate together. Hidden behind his new Marc Jacobs sunglasses, he thought I couldn’t see where he was looking at. I know he was looking at all the people walking by us, but I did catch him staring at me once. I truly don’t know what he thinks of me when he looks so intensely at me. Was he glad to have me around? Or was he really starting to not like me? We walked to English Bay after we almost finished our plate of sharwama. He was getting tired, so we turned towards his place while we were on the way to Sunset Beach. I didn’t want to just go home and sit around more, so I offered to help him do some grocery with him if he needs to. But he said he doesn’t need to, so we decided to grab a crossword puzzle and headed back.
When we arrived home, he changed into a tank top. I asked if he was heading out later, he said no, but I was still clueless as to why he changed his clothes. I was a bit sleepy and rolled myself into a ball with the blanket again. He seemed to feel much better now, and was playfully holding an apple and said he’s going to prep them. I offered to do that, and got up and cut the apples up. We sat together closely at the couch watching TV while eating the apples. He then asked if I wanted to watch the dvds he bought at the night market. I was disappointed when I heard he went without me. Maybe it really is nothing. He said he went maybe two weeks ago with his friend or friends. Possibly when his friend came in town and they all went together. I decided not to think too much about it. We watched more game shows on tv, and as we were watching, I decided to lie on him and held him this time. But it was getting late, and I was keeping my eyes on the clock, trying to see when I should leave even though I didn’t want to.
When the program we were watching finished, he got excited and wanted to play crossword puzzle. But the time I told myself to get ready to go home has come. “I think I better go home soon though,” I said. As I sat down closer to him from coming back from the kitchen, I saw his face with expressions. He pouted his lips enough for me to realize that he’s disappointed. But disappointed at what? The fact that I’m leaving? The fact that he’ll have no company? Or the fact that he just wanted to play crossword puzzle? Then he broke the silence. “You can stay if you don’t mind staying. I mean, it’s almost eleven already, and by the time you get home it’ll be what…” he said. Of course I totally wished I could stay, and I asked if he was okay with me staying, and if I would intrude on his last day off tomorrow. He reassured me that it was okay to stay, and that he had nothing to do the next day anyway. So I stayed.
We played crossword puzzle afterwards, or supposedly played together. I never played with him face to face together, and I guess now I know that he likes to think quietly on his own rather than getting me involved even though we were technically playing together. Sometimes I skip to the ones I know the answers to, and he’d tell me to do it in order. It wasn’t as fun as I thought would be when we played online together. But at least we tried to play together. As we gradually moved on to watching more tv, I stumbled upon I, Robot and we began watching it together. We moved close together again, and began leaning on one another. I was emotionally calm now, and was just basically squeezing behind him while he was lying on the couch. “You like to squeeze me don’t you?” he said. It felt nice watching movie together in such closeness again. Yet I still felt empty, not knowing if he really enjoyed having me being so clingy or not. As the movie ended, it was after two. I asked for pajama and went to shower. By the time I finished, he was in his pajama as well, and happily told me that he ate one of the granola bars I bought him. I was glad at least he accepted my intention to make him eat them.
I still didn’t know if I were to sleep in the bedroom with him or out here on the couch. As I laid myself on the couch getting comfortable, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “Let’s go sleep now, it’s almost three already.” I was unsure if it’s really okay, but he seemed to just think I’ll be sleeping with him on his bed. So I got up with him, and went in the bedroom. We both stood in the dark, and I was just leaning onto his back. He jumped onto the bed, and I rolled onto my side of the bed where I used to sleep. He smelled my pillow before I put my head on it. Maybe it was good intention of his to make sure it doesn’t smell bad, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he was worried it smelled of other guys, thinking of my suspicions. I didn’t want to think negatively, and was bent on finally trying to kiss him. He lied down facing up, and I crawled towards him, hugged him closely. “I wanna kiss you,” I whispered. He didn’t really react. Then I moved towards his lips, and put my lips on his lips for two seconds. It was pathetic. I was going to kiss him, but it wasn’t a kiss. It was just my lips against his lips. Sensing no reaction, I moved back to my pillow and lied down. He turned to me, looking at me when I opened my eyes and looked at me. “What?” he said. “What?” I replied. It was awkward, I do kind of think he didn’t want to responds to my kiss. But now I wondered if I tried again, would he have responded? I felt his smooth face once again, and turned around to go to sleep.
I woke up early the next day, almost before 7. There was nothing in my mind but him, and I was feeling high because of him lying beside me. I decided to go watch tv, to keep my mind on other things. It didn’t quite work, but I got sleepy again and just went to sleep on the couch. I heard the sound of him walking, and the sound of the toilet flushing. I was still asleep, but I was a bit awake. I sensed him coming, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him standing over me. I half-closed my eyes again while reaching both arms up for him. He came down, but unfortunately my arms closed on his new piercing, and he was in a lot of pain. “I have to go clean it up. I’ll be right back,” he said, as he wiped the blood off his ear. I felt so bad for being so blind that I didn’t know if he was mad. But he came back after cleaning up. I opened my eyes fully this time, reaching for him as he sat down beside me. I grabbed him tightly and made him lie down against me. I whispered my apology into his ears, and he seemed to be fine now. After laying there for a few minutes, he said he was going back to bed and asked if I was coming too. I was comfortable here, so I told him I was staying here. Then he left.
I woke up again, bored and hearing his snoring from his room, I turned on the tv to occupy myself. There wasn’t anything interesting on then, so I turned it off, and went in his room to lie down beside him. I kept leaving and going back to his room, but one last time I went in, he was awake and asked if we should go have breakfast soon. I was sleepy, since I didn’t sleep well or enough. I wanted to enjoy his company while he was awake, so I told him to lie on top of me, and he did. It was getting hot, and he decided to roll back to his side of bed to cool down. My back was facing him when he rolled to face me. He was close to me, putting his hand on my arm. I grabbed it and pulled it towards my heart where I held onto it. Later I let go of his hand, and he was playful and began slapping my butt. It was pleasant, as I was telling him how he’s weak and it didn’t hurt. He continued slapping it until he ended up putting his hand in my pajama. He pinched one cheek, then another, and soon he was feeling my crack. This was more than I wished for. Although I do wish for oral intimacy more, this was totally unexpected from him. I then only rolled on top of him, holding him tight. As he was still being playful, he continued to grab my butt, and eventually pinched my dork. “I’m always so high when I’m around you,” I whispered. He didn’t react much, and soon I rolled off him to calm down beside him. I debated on whether I should just grab his hand and make him feel my crotch. But I was too afraid. He got up to go to the shower, and I went outside to get ready to go out.
Then I got stupid again. I decided to go look around his drawer again to see if I can find his condom in daytime. I saw in his drawer a pair of thong. It was definitely kinky, with shiny silver cloth on the front. I imagined how he would look in these, but I was more caught up in if he used it after I met him, as it was not hidden deep inside the drawer but slightly on the empty side in plain sight. I was again devastated with the possibilities, and went out of the bedroom, lying down on the couch to calm down.
He came out of the shower, and took a while to get dressed. I was hoping he’d make contact with me with me lying sleepily on the couch, but he didn’t really act intimately around me. He was just bugging me to get ready, then just turned on the tv and waited. It was bound to be disappointing, knowing he’d be just sitting there as long as I delay, so I just got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed.
We went down Robson, heading towards Denman again, and as we arrived at De Dutch without me noticing, he stopped. I wondered why, and he pointed out that we’re there already. We went in, sat down, and it was quiet again. When he saw the waiter bringing back the newspaper from a table that just left, he got the idea of doing crossword puzzle. He grabbed the newspaper, took out a pen, and just started playing the puzzle himself. Quickly he got one, and another one. I didn’t feel involved at all, so I tried to read backwards. It was tiring, and I asked if I can see it while pulling the paper towards me. He stopped, looking around but not at the puzzle. “You’re not playing anymore?” I asked. He said I was looking at it, hinting that he’s just going to let me play until it’s his turn. This wasn’t how I wanted. I wanted to play together, discuss together, not trying to solve the puzzle quietly by myself or himself. Apparently I expected too much again, even from playing a simple crossword puzzle game.
After finishing the late breakfast, he paid for me, saying that it’s for all the things I bought for him the day before. I wasn’t happy about him trying to keep track of who owes who a favor, but this wasn’t something worth fighting over. We left the restaurant, and another moment of indecision came. He asked what we should do, where we should head to. I was frustrated, but trying not to show it. I asked what he can do, where we can go around here. I only thought of Stanley Park, as I haven’t been there for such a long time. We walked towards the park. As we walked by the bike rentals, he mentioned maybe we can bike, and I replied maybe we can rollerblade. But seeing the situation was not favoring such activities, we gave up the ideas and kept walking towards the park. We came to another crossroad in deciding whether we should go to Canada Place or Stanley Park. I soon decided that we should still go to Stanley Park, since I work so close to Canada Place. We kept walking, until he felt ill. He felt like he needs to go to the washroom, and I suggested that we just go home. My hope of taking pictures of him all dressed nicely was shattered. Although we rested on the sidewalk beside the fountains nearby, I was in no mood to take out my camera to take pictures. I was stupid, not knowing that this was the last chance of taking a picture of him.
We got back to his place, and he went to the washroom while I rested on the couch. Minutes later he came out, saying he couldn’t do it. I was indifferent. Having experienced so many disappointments already so far, I didn’t really want to care much anymore. I thought about when I should head home, but deep inside, I still didn’t want to leave yet. We watched tv for maybe 3 hours, where at moments he did lie closer to me, but never in contact with me. He played with my hair on my arms a little, but not much else happened. He also offered me some gummy candies, and one time when he was eating one, he took one out and seemed to intend to feed me. It was a bad joke. He moved the gummy close to my mouth, and just stuffed it towards my nostril, then into my ear. I was furious, thinking that this would be the sweetest moment of the whole day, but ended up being the worst thing to happen. I got ahold of the dirty gummy, and was intending to stuff it in his mouth. He didn’t budge at all, until the gummy broke apart and I was disgusted by both the sticky gummy and him. I wanted to revenge, so I rolled him up violently, pushed him into a ball, and just made him stay uncomfortably in that position for quite a while. He didn’t care to fight back, possibly from being tired still. Eventually I got bored, and let go of his legs and let him sit up.
I was so mad still, but I knew this wouldn’t help the situation. I had to once again basically kiss his cold ass with my warm lips just to undo the awkwardness. I wanted to hold him, more ideally wanted him to want me to hold him. But it was pointless waiting for him to act, so I went to grab him by his arm pits, and pulled him in toward me. He didn’t resist, but I didn’t hold him for long since I didn’t feel he cared much. I let go of him, and later just played around with his sole. We watched tv quietly, until the shows were over, and I knew this is the time I should be leaving. I got up, got ready, and quickly said I should be heading home. I didn’t wait for a response from him, knowing he wouldn’t stop me anyway, and just walked down the hall and opened the door to let myself out. He got up, asked me to wait up. I was still inside the apartment when he caught up to me, and gave me a warm hug and thanked me for taking care of him. It was emotional. It felt like the last time I’ll ever see him again. I was sad, but I didn’t want to care. “You take good care of yourself,” I stuttered with a tone of sadness. He said okay, and I backed out the apartment, walked down the hallway not looking back, until I heard his door close. I really didn’t know how to handle my emotions, but it wasn’t as strong to the point where I was so sad I could cry. I just walked out, walked all the way up to Burrard feeling as if I’m walking way from the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt empty, both mentally and emotionally, and just gazed at nowhere as if my soul was taken out of my body.
As I got home and sat down in front of the computer, it really began to hit me. I teared up, finally realizing that everything seemed to have gone wrong, and everything turned to the worst. I’ve been spoiled by him. I had the sweetest of all nectars, and I had it taken away. It was bound to happen, either I force us to remain friends, or he would just let me slowly get his point of not wanting me to feel too much for him eventually. I chose to find out by talking to him, thinking that I did have a good chance of being with him. And yet I was so wrong. I just forced the inevitable to happen quicker, and my sweet nectar was taken away from my own hands, with my own hands.
July 30, 2008
bittersweet
It was past dinner time, but he had to work late that day. I heated up the soup, cooked some noodles and ate beef noodle soup together at his place. Everything seemed normal, but maybe with a bit of uneasiness on both sides. He was still kind and a bit playful, making small friendly body contacts and deep eye contacts but not much else. We sat beside each other watching tv for an hour or two. As it got late, he started wondering when I would start the conversation.
It was hard to begin. I didn’t know what to say to start the conversation which I didn't want to have but should have. I had a lot of trouble gathering my thoughts, and I thought lying around avoiding the situation would be okay for a while. He bugged me from time to time, just to see if I was okay as the atmosphere got more intense. Finally, when I thought I really dragged on for too long, I opened my mouth.
“I guess I’m still pretty confused about what I am to you right now” or something along that line is what I started with. “I guess I don’t really know how u really feel about me,” and as I continued, my thoughts began gathering, and the words began flowing. He was focused, quietly listening, sometimes closing his eyes, but always kept silenced. I had decided earlier to spare the details, and just focus on the one or two main questions. But as I finished talking, the silence lurched in, I wasn’t sure if he fully understood what I was trying to say. I began elaborating, covering what I believe is most of what I wrote down earlier. He was still silent. He looked serious and intense, covering up his face at moments, closing his eyes at others. “I knew this would come up eventually,” he said. “But I didn’t think it would happen this early.”
He knew this situation doesn’t make any of us comfortable, and eventually it will have to surface. As I asked if there’s a reason why he didn’t want to face it yet, he replied. “I was kind of avoiding you,” he said. “Not physically avoiding you, but not calling you to avoid misleading you further.” I was at least gladI now I know the reason for his indifference, but at the same time realizing that he probably doesn’t want to become more serious with me. I can understand, that if he doesn’t want it, he shouldn’t do anything that he doesn’t feel right doing.
“I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” he said. “You don’t have to tell me anything now,” I reassured. I felt his uneasiness. His eyes, still big and dreamy as ever, with maybe a bit of tear within still haunt me. I felt bad for bringing it up, but I had to. I apologized for it, and told him why it’s important for me to know. I had to tell him because I didn’t want to be hurt more later and risk the possibility of losing him totally. I reassured that I still like him immensely, and that he’s such a great person that I do want to be a part of his life, and maybe even be able to love him if I have the chance. I shared my ideals in seeing someone as a potential right guy, but yet I tried to confirm with him how I think he doesn’t see me as the right person. He did not say anything to validate my speculation.
“This is the first time anyone ever said anything like this to me,” he said. I asked, if this is something good or bad. “It’s a great thing,” he reassured. Him, still speechless, seemingly uncomfortable and shifting positions uneasily, was silenced again.
I was physically heated, and yet still hiding behind the soft and fragrant blanket. “Come here,” he requested. I suspected what would happen but didn’t know if that was a good thing, but he pulled me in further as I moved toward him. He wrapped his arms around me, putting his head on my shoulder as I leaned onto his. I was a few long seconds of uneasiness, but it felt sincere and heartwarming coming from someone I’m so attached to.
I gently pushed away finally. We sat separated for a few uneasy minutes. I asked what he was thinking. “Don’t you hate me now? Don’t you not want to see me anymore?” he said. “Of course not, you’re so important to me that I can't bear losing you,” I replied. I didn’t feel a bit of hate or need to make him feel bad at that moment. Maybe it was his sad puppy eyes tactic working on me, but the last thing I wanted was for him to beat himself up on what happened. I felt I truly wanted him to be happy, and not want him to suffer just because of what may have been a mistake, but in truth it will be some of the happiest memories I've ever had. I reassured that I will always cherish those memories, even though it may take some time for me to re-adjust my state of mind. I reassured him that I know how love is, how it doesn’t always work out and the consequence is always pain that one has to endure. To me this is the proof of true feelings. At least now I believe I truly feel for him, and this feeling won’t jeopardize my want to still be around him.
Still not quite getting any answer, I opened my mouth. “I guess we should just be friends for now.” “I think that might be the only way,” he said. This was the next-worst case scenario to me. Devastated, but I had no choice but to accept what I suggested. “I was tempted to say yes,” he said, responding to my earlier question on if he would like to have something more with me. "It's so hard to meet anyone that I can be this comfortable with," he added, but restated that he’s just not ready for anything serious still. I sort of understand, but still thinking that he’s underestimating my ability to cope with the situation if that's the truthful reason he has.
The whole conversation took a heavy toll on both our hearts. I was talking constantly between short silences, trying to juggle with words within my brain while my saliva was whipped into a froth within my mouth. He got up, asked if I wanted something to drink, got me a bottle of water, and made himself a vodka cranberry.
When it all sort of settled down, as we both have a slightly clearer understanding of what’s going on. I reassured him that now I know not to expect anything from him other than friendship. As well, I told him that hopefully he will not feel awkward with me anymore and just treat me like a friend. The end of the conversation has come, and yet I did not realize I still haven't got a clear idea of if I can ever have more with him.
We watched some more tv, while probably both thinking more amongst ourselves. He wanted to be comfortable, and suddenly just lied down on my lap. It was sweet of him, to act so affectionately after going through such awkward intensity. But I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. This somehow gave me some more assurance that we may have another chance later, but it may be that he just want to share a last bit of closeness with me. No matter what, this may just make my personal journey that much harder. Within my own mind, I know that the new border was drawn for now, and I will have to be very careful as to how far I go, and how far I let him go. Having him on my lap is alright I guessed. I intended to let him know that he can always come to me if he needs me, and this is probably the time when he needs someone there for him too. I believe he also knows that I was hurt, and want to help mend my wounds, and I also believe that he knows that I am still the same me, but will not give him anymore pressures.
I asked him to go shower first, and I went after. We had a bit more leisurely chatter, while he was using the foot cream I bought for him. After I showered, we were both at the couch, him sitting at the corner and me lying down at the spot where I would allow myself to sleep. We played around a bit, kicked each other, and just monkeyed around as if nothing happened earlier. As I began settling down for the night, he still did not realize I intended to sleep here, as I didn’t tell him. He was sweet and noticed that I seemed sleepy and asked me to go in his bedroom and call it a night. “I’m gonna sleep here tonight,” I said. He asked why, but I have the perfect answer. “I cough at night, and I don’t want to wake you up.” He actually didn’t believe, and reassured that I can sleep beside him. I was determined about my decision, again reassured him that I was fine there, and he finally let go of it.
He went to get ready, offered to bring a pillow, but it was okay for me without the pillow. He came back, turned off the light and tv. He sat on the floor beside me, just looking at me for minutes. While I sometimes open my eyes only to find myself awkwardly looking back at him, I tried to sound light-hearted, joking around to make the situation less intense wondering what he was thinking. “I don’t want to leave you out here,” he said. I continued to reassure him that it’s fine, that even his mom sleeps like this when she’s here. He sat down on the floor, facing me, moving close to me and still looking at me. I was nervous, didn’t what to do if I didn’t close my eyes, so I just pretended I’m ready to fall asleep. I could smell his vodka breath, and started teasing him about it. He was responsive, claiming it’s all in my head, but I was certain and jokingly stood my ground.
We joked around more, teased around more, and finally when we stopped, he placed his head down on my chest. I moved my hand onto his broad shoulder, hoping to give him some support and not let him feel too bad about himself. He then sat up onto the edge of the couch where I lied, and put his lips against my face, giving me a kiss on the cheek, and just stayed there. My lips were also against his cheeks, feeling the stubbles of his beard. I wanted to kiss him bad, but I held in. I wrapped my arms around him even tighter, caressing his hair, caressing his shoulders lightly. I really didn’t know what he was thinking, but I thought at this moment a friend’s shoulder to lean on seems reasonable. As the moment went on, I knew it had to end before going overboard. I pushed him away lightly, asked him to go sleep. He finally moved on, lowering the shade, and asked if we can do breakfast together. That was something new we had never done before, and I said of course. He came by to me to give me one last kiss on my forehead, and headed to his bedroom.
hy was he so attached to me that evening? I wondered to myself. Was he really just feeling guilty for leading me on? Or does he really have feelings for me still, despite his unwilingness to just go for it. Is it possible that he feels even stronger for me now, knowing how I truly felt? Whatever it is, I will have to just stay friends with him at least for now, and allow whatever happens in the future to take its course naturally.
In the morning, I woke up before the alarm went off. I lied around thinking a bit more about what I have potentially lost while hearing his snoring which I missed already. I was sad for sure about what had to happen, but I wasn’t angry as I was afraid I might be. I got ready to go to work, and even though last night he said 8:30 we’d go for breakfast, I felt that it may be bad to be too late for work. Besides, he didn’t need to get up this early, so didn’t want to make him get up just for that. I’ve decided to leave quietly, and let him sleep in. I went into his bedroom to tell him I’m gonna be leaving. He mumbled, which I didn’t understand. But I made up my mind anyway, so I just left after giving him a gentle rub on the shoulder. As I was leaving the apartment, he seemed to be saying something. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I didn’t really want to go back and ask. I left, leaving the door unlocked, and got out of the building. A message to him was sent later, reminding him to lock his door. I don’t want to expect any messages back, but somehow I still hoped for that ringtone to play on my phone. There is a big lesson for me ahead. I have to take it seriously.
That night, sitting on his couch, having him beside me in the quiet living room, I was at peace. I was glad we now have a clear understanding of what we are, even though I still wonder if I will ever know how he truly feels about me. I was glad he did seem to care enough about me. It was another one of those wonderful moments I will cherish. The moment of being able to tell him how I really felt, and the moment of sharing something so intimate and fragile was relieving. The sweetness and vulnerability he displayed actually may be something bad for me right now, as I feel for him still. But I should know, this evening and whatever happened are probably only gonna happen once, caused by the fact that we both came to a painful but more comfortable understanding of our situation. I should know that it is only because if this vulnerability of the moment, that we shared such intimacy again. It will all disappear next time we see each other. We will just be friends for now. I will think back to that moment, reliving that feeling of peace and content, knowing that we did share something so beautiful, that I have to cherish it and be happy about it no matter what happens in the future.
It was hard to begin. I didn’t know what to say to start the conversation which I didn't want to have but should have. I had a lot of trouble gathering my thoughts, and I thought lying around avoiding the situation would be okay for a while. He bugged me from time to time, just to see if I was okay as the atmosphere got more intense. Finally, when I thought I really dragged on for too long, I opened my mouth.
“I guess I’m still pretty confused about what I am to you right now” or something along that line is what I started with. “I guess I don’t really know how u really feel about me,” and as I continued, my thoughts began gathering, and the words began flowing. He was focused, quietly listening, sometimes closing his eyes, but always kept silenced. I had decided earlier to spare the details, and just focus on the one or two main questions. But as I finished talking, the silence lurched in, I wasn’t sure if he fully understood what I was trying to say. I began elaborating, covering what I believe is most of what I wrote down earlier. He was still silent. He looked serious and intense, covering up his face at moments, closing his eyes at others. “I knew this would come up eventually,” he said. “But I didn’t think it would happen this early.”
He knew this situation doesn’t make any of us comfortable, and eventually it will have to surface. As I asked if there’s a reason why he didn’t want to face it yet, he replied. “I was kind of avoiding you,” he said. “Not physically avoiding you, but not calling you to avoid misleading you further.” I was at least gladI now I know the reason for his indifference, but at the same time realizing that he probably doesn’t want to become more serious with me. I can understand, that if he doesn’t want it, he shouldn’t do anything that he doesn’t feel right doing.
“I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” he said. “You don’t have to tell me anything now,” I reassured. I felt his uneasiness. His eyes, still big and dreamy as ever, with maybe a bit of tear within still haunt me. I felt bad for bringing it up, but I had to. I apologized for it, and told him why it’s important for me to know. I had to tell him because I didn’t want to be hurt more later and risk the possibility of losing him totally. I reassured that I still like him immensely, and that he’s such a great person that I do want to be a part of his life, and maybe even be able to love him if I have the chance. I shared my ideals in seeing someone as a potential right guy, but yet I tried to confirm with him how I think he doesn’t see me as the right person. He did not say anything to validate my speculation.
“This is the first time anyone ever said anything like this to me,” he said. I asked, if this is something good or bad. “It’s a great thing,” he reassured. Him, still speechless, seemingly uncomfortable and shifting positions uneasily, was silenced again.
I was physically heated, and yet still hiding behind the soft and fragrant blanket. “Come here,” he requested. I suspected what would happen but didn’t know if that was a good thing, but he pulled me in further as I moved toward him. He wrapped his arms around me, putting his head on my shoulder as I leaned onto his. I was a few long seconds of uneasiness, but it felt sincere and heartwarming coming from someone I’m so attached to.
I gently pushed away finally. We sat separated for a few uneasy minutes. I asked what he was thinking. “Don’t you hate me now? Don’t you not want to see me anymore?” he said. “Of course not, you’re so important to me that I can't bear losing you,” I replied. I didn’t feel a bit of hate or need to make him feel bad at that moment. Maybe it was his sad puppy eyes tactic working on me, but the last thing I wanted was for him to beat himself up on what happened. I felt I truly wanted him to be happy, and not want him to suffer just because of what may have been a mistake, but in truth it will be some of the happiest memories I've ever had. I reassured that I will always cherish those memories, even though it may take some time for me to re-adjust my state of mind. I reassured him that I know how love is, how it doesn’t always work out and the consequence is always pain that one has to endure. To me this is the proof of true feelings. At least now I believe I truly feel for him, and this feeling won’t jeopardize my want to still be around him.
Still not quite getting any answer, I opened my mouth. “I guess we should just be friends for now.” “I think that might be the only way,” he said. This was the next-worst case scenario to me. Devastated, but I had no choice but to accept what I suggested. “I was tempted to say yes,” he said, responding to my earlier question on if he would like to have something more with me. "It's so hard to meet anyone that I can be this comfortable with," he added, but restated that he’s just not ready for anything serious still. I sort of understand, but still thinking that he’s underestimating my ability to cope with the situation if that's the truthful reason he has.
The whole conversation took a heavy toll on both our hearts. I was talking constantly between short silences, trying to juggle with words within my brain while my saliva was whipped into a froth within my mouth. He got up, asked if I wanted something to drink, got me a bottle of water, and made himself a vodka cranberry.
When it all sort of settled down, as we both have a slightly clearer understanding of what’s going on. I reassured him that now I know not to expect anything from him other than friendship. As well, I told him that hopefully he will not feel awkward with me anymore and just treat me like a friend. The end of the conversation has come, and yet I did not realize I still haven't got a clear idea of if I can ever have more with him.
We watched some more tv, while probably both thinking more amongst ourselves. He wanted to be comfortable, and suddenly just lied down on my lap. It was sweet of him, to act so affectionately after going through such awkward intensity. But I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. This somehow gave me some more assurance that we may have another chance later, but it may be that he just want to share a last bit of closeness with me. No matter what, this may just make my personal journey that much harder. Within my own mind, I know that the new border was drawn for now, and I will have to be very careful as to how far I go, and how far I let him go. Having him on my lap is alright I guessed. I intended to let him know that he can always come to me if he needs me, and this is probably the time when he needs someone there for him too. I believe he also knows that I was hurt, and want to help mend my wounds, and I also believe that he knows that I am still the same me, but will not give him anymore pressures.
I asked him to go shower first, and I went after. We had a bit more leisurely chatter, while he was using the foot cream I bought for him. After I showered, we were both at the couch, him sitting at the corner and me lying down at the spot where I would allow myself to sleep. We played around a bit, kicked each other, and just monkeyed around as if nothing happened earlier. As I began settling down for the night, he still did not realize I intended to sleep here, as I didn’t tell him. He was sweet and noticed that I seemed sleepy and asked me to go in his bedroom and call it a night. “I’m gonna sleep here tonight,” I said. He asked why, but I have the perfect answer. “I cough at night, and I don’t want to wake you up.” He actually didn’t believe, and reassured that I can sleep beside him. I was determined about my decision, again reassured him that I was fine there, and he finally let go of it.
He went to get ready, offered to bring a pillow, but it was okay for me without the pillow. He came back, turned off the light and tv. He sat on the floor beside me, just looking at me for minutes. While I sometimes open my eyes only to find myself awkwardly looking back at him, I tried to sound light-hearted, joking around to make the situation less intense wondering what he was thinking. “I don’t want to leave you out here,” he said. I continued to reassure him that it’s fine, that even his mom sleeps like this when she’s here. He sat down on the floor, facing me, moving close to me and still looking at me. I was nervous, didn’t what to do if I didn’t close my eyes, so I just pretended I’m ready to fall asleep. I could smell his vodka breath, and started teasing him about it. He was responsive, claiming it’s all in my head, but I was certain and jokingly stood my ground.
We joked around more, teased around more, and finally when we stopped, he placed his head down on my chest. I moved my hand onto his broad shoulder, hoping to give him some support and not let him feel too bad about himself. He then sat up onto the edge of the couch where I lied, and put his lips against my face, giving me a kiss on the cheek, and just stayed there. My lips were also against his cheeks, feeling the stubbles of his beard. I wanted to kiss him bad, but I held in. I wrapped my arms around him even tighter, caressing his hair, caressing his shoulders lightly. I really didn’t know what he was thinking, but I thought at this moment a friend’s shoulder to lean on seems reasonable. As the moment went on, I knew it had to end before going overboard. I pushed him away lightly, asked him to go sleep. He finally moved on, lowering the shade, and asked if we can do breakfast together. That was something new we had never done before, and I said of course. He came by to me to give me one last kiss on my forehead, and headed to his bedroom.
hy was he so attached to me that evening? I wondered to myself. Was he really just feeling guilty for leading me on? Or does he really have feelings for me still, despite his unwilingness to just go for it. Is it possible that he feels even stronger for me now, knowing how I truly felt? Whatever it is, I will have to just stay friends with him at least for now, and allow whatever happens in the future to take its course naturally.
In the morning, I woke up before the alarm went off. I lied around thinking a bit more about what I have potentially lost while hearing his snoring which I missed already. I was sad for sure about what had to happen, but I wasn’t angry as I was afraid I might be. I got ready to go to work, and even though last night he said 8:30 we’d go for breakfast, I felt that it may be bad to be too late for work. Besides, he didn’t need to get up this early, so didn’t want to make him get up just for that. I’ve decided to leave quietly, and let him sleep in. I went into his bedroom to tell him I’m gonna be leaving. He mumbled, which I didn’t understand. But I made up my mind anyway, so I just left after giving him a gentle rub on the shoulder. As I was leaving the apartment, he seemed to be saying something. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I didn’t really want to go back and ask. I left, leaving the door unlocked, and got out of the building. A message to him was sent later, reminding him to lock his door. I don’t want to expect any messages back, but somehow I still hoped for that ringtone to play on my phone. There is a big lesson for me ahead. I have to take it seriously.
That night, sitting on his couch, having him beside me in the quiet living room, I was at peace. I was glad we now have a clear understanding of what we are, even though I still wonder if I will ever know how he truly feels about me. I was glad he did seem to care enough about me. It was another one of those wonderful moments I will cherish. The moment of being able to tell him how I really felt, and the moment of sharing something so intimate and fragile was relieving. The sweetness and vulnerability he displayed actually may be something bad for me right now, as I feel for him still. But I should know, this evening and whatever happened are probably only gonna happen once, caused by the fact that we both came to a painful but more comfortable understanding of our situation. I should know that it is only because if this vulnerability of the moment, that we shared such intimacy again. It will all disappear next time we see each other. We will just be friends for now. I will think back to that moment, reliving that feeling of peace and content, knowing that we did share something so beautiful, that I have to cherish it and be happy about it no matter what happens in the future.
April 14, 2008
Be inspired, Get involved, and Take action
朱平(2007-10-11)
剛剛跟在美國的大女兒Candice通完電話，她告訴我她跟她妹妹Brandy都已經三個月不吃牛肉，豬肉，雞肉，羊肉。僅吃海鮮及蔬菜水果，我問她們為什麼突然決定改變飲食的生活方式，是為了健康，環保，宗教的原因嗎？答案是：愛動物。
我問她們為什麼仍吃海鮮呢？答案是：未來目標不吃海鮮，目前仍吃。年青人有年青人的想法，我覺得也很好。因為她們有感動，有行動，支持自己的理念。也不擔心別人說“假道德”，“假慈悲”，“為德不卒”，想到，說到，就做了。我恭喜她們兩個，在二十幾歲就開始改變生活方式，養成好的飲食習慣。
最近，我突然變得很受歡迎，收到許多ICB讀者的email。問我許多年青人都會有的問題，雖然我都一一回了email。但仍有許多我或是沒有答案，或是覺得我沒有資格做任何開示的問題。
其中最常問的問題是“創業”。“自己做老板，自由自在，做自己喜歡的事”，我在回信中都強烈暗示，不要急著創業，創業可能更不自由更沒時間，現在應該好好問自己是不是僅在逃避困難，逃避責任。如果不能把目前的事弄好，寄望在自己創業時可以弄好，是不可能的。只要相信自己是可以創造自己命運，對自己負責，創業或不創業都是自然演化而發生的。
我知道即使我在信中不鼓勵年青人冒然創業。（年青人應該花時間在學習技能，“經驗生活”。）但這種夢想自己有一天能做老板（不求人，不受氣）卻是每一個年青人在叛逆時期的最自然反應。
我是在三十八歲時才創業的，而且是在沒有預期之下創業的（Accidental Entrepreneur）因此想創業永遠不會太晚，重要的是您要非常了解自己，適不適合創業。
在ICB的讀者中，許多都是對創意文化產業有興趣的。如果在未來時機成熟想創業，我有四件事情分享。
1. Be Different 不一樣不僅是 Be different，創造新的顧客，新的需求，新的類別 (New Category)，新的經營模式，更重要的是能改變再造原有的行業 (Re-Invent the Industry)
2. Be Authentic 做真實的自己我最擔心看到年青人追逐名人，追逐偶像，追逐流行，追逐 趨勢，忘記了自己獨特願景及年青人應有的理想主義。只有做一個真實的自己 (不僅是最好) 才會有真的熱忱，正向的能量。
3. Be Resilient 韌性因為堅持 ( persevere)是不夠的 ，重要的是從低潮中仍能保有“正向樂觀”的毅力，而能從新出發，這是所有創業者都有的特色。因為他們相信他們有能力創造自己的命運。
4. Higher Purpose 更高的目的如何找到更高的目的？賺錢，有利潤，僅是有了氧氣能生存而已，問題是您生存下來的目的是什麼？這也是為什麼愈來愈多人在思考For-Profit Social Enterprise的原因。（ICB第二期我所談的主題）
我可以舉iPod, NIKE或eBay等案例，但都太遙遠，所以我舉兩個台灣最近的例子（不怕自賣自誇或廣告嫌疑）。
•當包益民先生決定發行PPAPER雜誌時，他已決定改變台灣雜誌的設計風格，閱讀對象，訂價及通路。•當我在創立肯愛Nonzero非零餐廳時也已決定要改變傳統經營有機健康餐廳的模式！如何把設計帶進來，如何把cool帶進來，如何把零售帶進餐廳，如何重新建立一個新的飲食文化，新的生活儀式，新的創意文化產業。更重要的是Nonzero非零必須要是我真實相信的經營理念。（有人要知道我為什麼要取Nonzero非零為名字的原因嗎？可以email我。）
正如同我的兩個女兒一樣，當被啟發了，參與了，接下來就是行動。她們的決定不吃肉，包先生的PPAPER雜誌，我的肯夢Nonzero非零都是經過行動，改變才會發生的。至於會不會成功，就看每個人對成功的定義而決定了。我要再一次邀請所有讀者寫信給我，不管是問問題也好，或是有任何不同意見，我都期待與歡迎。畢竟，沒有互動就沒有參與，沒有參與就沒有擁有，唯有擁有，你才會真心改變。
朱平悅日人，漣漪人，生意人23.7.2007
•“As designers, we live to design things that are never “in”– so they’re never out.” - Massimo . Lella Vignelli -
•“That’s why great design, for instance, can’t have anything to do with trend.”
•“Never create for today”
•“Trust your gut”
•Don’t chase anything”
剛剛跟在美國的大女兒Candice通完電話，她告訴我她跟她妹妹Brandy都已經三個月不吃牛肉，豬肉，雞肉，羊肉。僅吃海鮮及蔬菜水果，我問她們為什麼突然決定改變飲食的生活方式，是為了健康，環保，宗教的原因嗎？答案是：愛動物。
我問她們為什麼仍吃海鮮呢？答案是：未來目標不吃海鮮，目前仍吃。年青人有年青人的想法，我覺得也很好。因為她們有感動，有行動，支持自己的理念。也不擔心別人說“假道德”，“假慈悲”，“為德不卒”，想到，說到，就做了。我恭喜她們兩個，在二十幾歲就開始改變生活方式，養成好的飲食習慣。
最近，我突然變得很受歡迎，收到許多ICB讀者的email。問我許多年青人都會有的問題，雖然我都一一回了email。但仍有許多我或是沒有答案，或是覺得我沒有資格做任何開示的問題。
其中最常問的問題是“創業”。“自己做老板，自由自在，做自己喜歡的事”，我在回信中都強烈暗示，不要急著創業，創業可能更不自由更沒時間，現在應該好好問自己是不是僅在逃避困難，逃避責任。如果不能把目前的事弄好，寄望在自己創業時可以弄好，是不可能的。只要相信自己是可以創造自己命運，對自己負責，創業或不創業都是自然演化而發生的。
我知道即使我在信中不鼓勵年青人冒然創業。（年青人應該花時間在學習技能，“經驗生活”。）但這種夢想自己有一天能做老板（不求人，不受氣）卻是每一個年青人在叛逆時期的最自然反應。
我是在三十八歲時才創業的，而且是在沒有預期之下創業的（Accidental Entrepreneur）因此想創業永遠不會太晚，重要的是您要非常了解自己，適不適合創業。
在ICB的讀者中，許多都是對創意文化產業有興趣的。如果在未來時機成熟想創業，我有四件事情分享。
1. Be Different 不一樣不僅是 Be different，創造新的顧客，新的需求，新的類別 (New Category)，新的經營模式，更重要的是能改變再造原有的行業 (Re-Invent the Industry)
2. Be Authentic 做真實的自己我最擔心看到年青人追逐名人，追逐偶像，追逐流行，追逐 趨勢，忘記了自己獨特願景及年青人應有的理想主義。只有做一個真實的自己 (不僅是最好) 才會有真的熱忱，正向的能量。
3. Be Resilient 韌性因為堅持 ( persevere)是不夠的 ，重要的是從低潮中仍能保有“正向樂觀”的毅力，而能從新出發，這是所有創業者都有的特色。因為他們相信他們有能力創造自己的命運。
4. Higher Purpose 更高的目的如何找到更高的目的？賺錢，有利潤，僅是有了氧氣能生存而已，問題是您生存下來的目的是什麼？這也是為什麼愈來愈多人在思考For-Profit Social Enterprise的原因。（ICB第二期我所談的主題）
我可以舉iPod, NIKE或eBay等案例，但都太遙遠，所以我舉兩個台灣最近的例子（不怕自賣自誇或廣告嫌疑）。
•當包益民先生決定發行PPAPER雜誌時，他已決定改變台灣雜誌的設計風格，閱讀對象，訂價及通路。•當我在創立肯愛Nonzero非零餐廳時也已決定要改變傳統經營有機健康餐廳的模式！如何把設計帶進來，如何把cool帶進來，如何把零售帶進餐廳，如何重新建立一個新的飲食文化，新的生活儀式，新的創意文化產業。更重要的是Nonzero非零必須要是我真實相信的經營理念。（有人要知道我為什麼要取Nonzero非零為名字的原因嗎？可以email我。）
正如同我的兩個女兒一樣，當被啟發了，參與了，接下來就是行動。她們的決定不吃肉，包先生的PPAPER雜誌，我的肯夢Nonzero非零都是經過行動，改變才會發生的。至於會不會成功，就看每個人對成功的定義而決定了。我要再一次邀請所有讀者寫信給我，不管是問問題也好，或是有任何不同意見，我都期待與歡迎。畢竟，沒有互動就沒有參與，沒有參與就沒有擁有，唯有擁有，你才會真心改變。
朱平悅日人，漣漪人，生意人23.7.2007
•“As designers, we live to design things that are never “in”– so they’re never out.” - Massimo . Lella Vignelli -
•“That’s why great design, for instance, can’t have anything to do with trend.”
•“Never create for today”
•“Trust your gut”
•Don’t chase anything”
December 2, 2007
October 30, 2007
poisonmushroom
Lately it rained so much that our backyard had the new addition of shallow ponds and moss patches. What wonderful landscape elements, even though we did not necessarily wanted them at all. Then gradually at the far corner of the little back yard, strange blossoms began appearing near the chopped-off stump of the now-gone willow tree that probably absorbed all the water before it's fateful death, ordered by the evil queen of this pathetic breeze-ridden castle. Soon, little brown stems also appeared in the middle of the lawn. One more, two more, and the wicked finger-like sticks blossomed into wicked poisonous mushrooms. But now they're gone, decapitated by the frequently visiting lawn manicurist. Only its cousins, the evil tree stump fungi survived, but their glorious days are over, all they can do now is wither away into itself.
October 10, 2007
流浪神狗人
這世界甚麼東西都可以待價而沽。當手部模特兒的青青，最有價值的只有她那一雙手。開著大貨車往返臺北、臺東的必勇與阿美，價值卻比不上他們載送的頂級水蜜 桃。必勇搏擊散打冠軍的女兒書瓦，有價值的則是她眼中永遠的恨意。經常被神明託夢，到處營救落難神像「撿神明」的牛角，卻愁於買不起價值十幾萬的義肢。而 榮登大畏王冠軍的流浪兒阿仙，最有價值的卻是因為流浪而永遠吃不飽的欲望。當這群人努力往上爬，迎接命運時，一場死亡車禍的撞擊，卻讓他們偏離了軌道，鬼 門開的瞬間，迎接而來的是神的一個大玩笑……
This is a movie from Taiwan we saw at the Vancouver Film Festival. The movie is fairly abstract, sad and yet with hints of warmth and humor from the characters.
atonement
On the first day of Vancouver Film Festival, we went to see the opening movie "Atonement" starring Keira Knightley. The movie seemed a bit dull at the beginning, and the characters were seemed to have the well-postured British rigidness. But along the storyline, the vivid images were amazing and the storyline developed into something more interesting, with a unsuspected and surprising twist to the ending. Overall it was a really good movie, unique and fascinating story with numerous memorable scenes. Hooray for the pale people! Haha!
October 7, 2007
Mind Map
Recently I finished a pretty and colorful book on making mind maps. The idea is pretty fun and I thought I should make a giant mind map on the big, dirty plain wall I face most of my waking hours everyday. The topic? Happiness in my life. I figured this is the best way to remind me of the happy moments I experienced throughout my life so far. So don't sue me if your face happened to appear on my wall. You're just part of my happy memories.
October 2, 2007
Let Peaches Teach You
I miss my new (or what used to be,) "Impeach my Bush" Peaches CD. I lost it last year, presumably in the office when I brought it in. My colleagues all hated it, and thus highly suspicious of the strange disappearance of the CD. Apparently the girls at the office don't like crazy rapping and screaming bitches and loud electro noises. But it was all fun for me to listen to, even at work when the boss was out playing golf or whatever. Actually I liked the older album "Teaches of Peaches" better. Some of the songs were so addictive the beats just had to be played over and over both on my stereo and in my brain. They often consist of vulgar languages, and of course, with vulgar images like sporting just lingeries in their music videos. One more yay for these glam-shock princesses who just happened to be Canadian too!
October 1, 2007
September 24, 2007
Gus Gus
Recently I stumbled upon a treasure chest filled with songs. So I listened to them and they've started to grow on me. Funny MV they have about the "Call of the Wild." She actually pisses in the MV. Hahaha... gotta go take my piss now.
Marie Antoinette... Siouxsie and the Banshees
A while back we watched Marie Antoinette the movie at home, and one song was so catchy that I had to add to my no-so-legal collection. Turned out it's from Siouxsie and the Banshees... one of my old time pal Liz's favourite musicians. Yay Hong Kong Garden, and miss you lots Liz, even though I barely write you, and you never write back. Haha...
September 18, 2007
same old days
When everyday seems just the same, doing the same activities, wondering about the same issues, seeing the same people, with just different variations of what time you do what, it becomes a bit too dull for even the simplest brain to cope.
It's not that doing different activities is hard, it's finding different activities to do that's the problem so hard to overcome. Trust me, if there's a 'Losers Anonymous' around, you know who will be at their meetings!
September 6, 2007
m.i.a.'s got new album
Jimmy from the album Kala
After listening to some of the songs in the album, I have found renewed faith in Taiwan's 電子花車, or crappily translated - Electronic Flower Trucks (Where stripper-like girls dance to repetitive, high-beat low-tech cheesy electronic music on a stage of a moving truck covered with glittering lights and reflective decors, usually with several of them lined up in a procession for temple festivities).
I think that M.I.A. owes a pilgrimage to Taiwan to explore her potential in becoming a 台妹教主, or crappily translated again, queen of Tai-girls... haha. People will worship her.
Anyway, this album is fun with lots of high-pitched nasal singing Indian girls in backgroind, which has always been fun to listen to. But somehow I still like some of the catchy songs of the previous album better.
SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park
One last major site to visit was the Seattle Art Museum's Olympic Sculpture Park. I remember reading about it when it was being developed. The site has both motorway and railway going through, and the distinct Z-shaped design of the site ingeniously differentiates people and transportation in a comfortable environment. There are large outdoor artworks dotting the landscape, with wonderful views towards the setting sun and places to sit and relax. There's no better way of finishing off the day trip to Seattle than a walk through the sculpture park.
bubble gums no more
Aside from the site visits in Seattle, I was hoping to discover something interesting and unusual. My answer revealed itself, also in Google (they should pay me for the advertisement!) when I came across a fascinating picture of a wall filled with colorful bubble gum. I promised myself to go see it and take that same picture myself!
The location of that wall is actually really close to the major tourist traffic. However barely anyone came to see it, as we were one of the few tourists that came and goofed around for a while. Getting there involves taking a discreet staircase from the Pike Street Market down to some dark, sketchy alleyway. And that's all. It's just right there with barely anyone around, except for some local bartenders having a smoke in the alleyway or some delivery men slacking off the backdoor. The sketchy alleyway was even patrolled by mounted police while we were there.
I still remember the smell of the bubble gum wall. It doesn't smell bad, but in my mind it's just disgusting because all that smell had to have been mixed in countless human grinders, mixing with salivas of who-knows-who. The strawberries, bananas, cherries and sometimes a hint of smoke just gags me.
But it's a beautious wall. Colorful, cheerful, creative, and smells sickly sweet. Amy and I made each other do some stupid stuff close - but not too close - to the wall to keep this moment alive in our minds. Unfortunately, we did not have the tools to contribute our own saliva onto the monument. This should be able to put me off bubble gums for a while.
